Mr. Met Can Do It All

“Mr. Met, can you come in for a minute?”
“Sure!”

“Have a seat.”
“What’s up?”
“Well, Mr. Met, you know we might be having some problems selling tickets this season.”
“Really? That sounds unlikely.”
“Believe it or not, Mr. Met, not everybody’s as big a Mets fan as you.”
“I don’t see why not. I love the Mets! They’re all I think about.”
“That’s why we love you, Mr. Met. And that’s why real Mets fans love you, too.”
“You’re too kind. How can I help with the ticket situation?”

“See, that’s so Mr. Met of you. I just mention there might be a problem, and you don’t wait to be asked what to do about it. That’s why we didn’t wait to ask.”
“Oh? Whad’dya do?”
“We created Mr. Met’s Landing.”
“Mr. Met’s Landing? Hey, that’s me! Tell me what that is!”
“It’s real nice. It’s Sections 338 and 339. In Left Field Landing. Except now it’s Mr. Met’s Landing — not the whole thing, just those two sections.”
“Gee, I’m honored!”
“Tickets will be ten bucks for kids, twenty bucks for adults — every game…except for the Marquee games.”
“Well, those are Marquee games.”
“Exactly what we were thinking. Then it’s $20 for kids, $30 for adults. But the rest of the time, it’s ten and twenty, plus service charges.”
“That’s pretty good of us!”
“We think so. We’ve never officially sold any ticket for less than $11 since we moved into Citi Field, and all of those were in Promenade, so it’s a good deal, we think.”
“I think so, too. I’m proud to have my name attached to that.”

“We thought you would. And you’ll probably want to know what exactly makes this Mr. Met’s Landing.”
“Now that you mention it, I was kind of curious.”
“”Mr. Met, you’re always thinking. A lot goes on in that head of yours.”
“All Mets, believe me. Now what do you need me to do?”
“You know that dedicated escalator we have for Left Field Landing?”
“The one that doesn’t stop anywhere else and often confuses people trying to get to Promenade?”
“Precisely. Your job will be to take a ride up there once a game and visit with everybody who’s seated in Mr. Met’s Landing.”
“That’s it? That’s not a job, that’s a treat! I love Mets fans!”
“Mr. Met, you’re an inspiration to everybody who works here.”
“I only wish I could visit every section during every game.”

“That’s the kind of team spirit we can always use more of around here.”
“Aw, shucks. I sometimes worry I don’t do enough for the Mets.”
“Mr. Met, if anything, we worry sometimes we ask you to do too much.”
“Me, too much — for the Mets? You’re kidding, right?”
“Well, we do ask a lot of you.”
“What do you ask that’s so much?”
“Let’s face it, Mr. Met, we deploy you every chance we get.”
“You do?”
“You haven’t noticed?”
“I’m Mr. Met. I’m happy to do whatever I’m asked. I’m happy in general.”

Mr. Met, doing some of his best work.

“No one can accuse you of being a pessimist, Mr. Met, but our concern is that whenever we’re in a bind or stuck for an idea, we lean on you.”
“How so?”
“We’ve got you out and about inning after inning. We have you throwing t-shirts around. We have you leading ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’. We renamed the DynaMets Dash for you. We have you in commercials for Citi and Xerox. We’ve loaned you to ESPN. We send you to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs if there’s no game going on. We run you out for appearances at who knows how many internal functions. We license the absolute heck out of you. We’re making you our Opening Day bobblehead. And now we have this Mr. Met’s Landing.”
“And?”

“And. quite frankly, I wonder if we’re draining the brand equity out of you just a little.”
“Look, I don’t know what that is, but I do know I’m Mr. Met, I love the Mets, I love appearing on the Mets’ behalf and meeting the Mets fans…”
“Which we appreciate.”
“…and they seem to like meeting me.”
“That they do, Mr. Met.”
“Honestly, there was only one time I wasn’t quite sure I was being…what’s that word you used before?”
“Deployed?”
“That’s it — there was only one time I wasn’t quite sure I was being deployed appropriately.”
“I know what you’re going to say.”
“September 28, 2008.”
“Yeah, we feel bad about that, too.”
“I mean, I was flattered — totally, totally flattered — you let me remove the ‘1’ on the outfield wall on the last day at Shea. But there was something about it that didn’t feel right.”
“Say no more.”
“People have never not cheered me, but that day, I don’t know. Maybe it was the solemnity of the occasion and how it demanded more than a mascot, or maybe it was the tone-deaf blitheness of unveiling a corporate logo at such an emotional juncture or maybe everybody was just upset about our having lost the game and our chance to make the playoffs…”
“Mr. Met, really, we know now it wasn’t the best of platforms from which to display your immense charms and deep talents…”
“I never heard boos while I was on the field before. I didn’t like it at all. Gosh, I really got how Mel Rojas must have felt all those years ago.”
“We’re sorry about that, Mr. Met, we really are.”
“That one moment aside, though, I’m fine with everything. I want to be there for the Mets. I’m Mr. Met, after all.”

“Mr. Met, we’re glad you think so, because we’re mulling over some other situations where we think you can help the organization in a big way.”
“I’m all about helping the organization.”
“We knew you were, but we thought we should run a few of these by you before signing off on them.”
“That’s awfully nice of you, but don’t worry about it. I’m game.”
“So you wouldn’t mind, for example, making some Skype calls to help move ticket packages?”
“Skype? The thing where there’s video?”
“Yes.”
“Then it sounds like something I can do.”

“And if we’re a little shorthanded for middle relief now that Pedro Feliciano isn’t here anymore?”
“Look at me. I’m as longhanded as it gets.”
“You might have heard, too, that we can’t quite settle on a second baseman, so maybe if we can juggle your schedule a little…”
“You want me to play second?
“It’s a contingency, mind you. The union will have to agree, and we’ll have to work out the logistics…”
“Hmmm…if I can make my Mr. Met’s Landing visit during a half-inning when I wouldn’t be in the field and when I wouldn’t be due up at bat right away, I don’t see why not — if it’s for the team, of course I’ll do it.”
“Mr. Met! You’re a prince!”
“You can bat me ninth if you want. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.”
“They always say Mr. Met has a big head, but no ego. It’s true.”
“No ‘I’ in Mr. Met is my credo.”
“Well, technically there’s an ‘i’ in mister.”
“Huh?”
“You know, m-i-s-t…”
“Check my trademark. I’m Mr. Met. No ‘I.’”
“Oh, I hope I didn’t offend you.”
“No offense. I just prefer accuracy.”

“What about security?”
“I feel very secure.”
“No, I mean, how do you feel about providing security?”
“I’ll do whatever you want, but don’t you already have security? All those guys in the Phillie-colored golf shirts?”
“Well, this is a little different. See, compensation commitments being what they are, we may have to retain Oliver Perez on the roster, and we’re a little skittish about having him show his face unaccompanied.”
“I think I get it. You need me to provide a little cover for Ollie.”
“Mr. Met, you catch on faster than Ike Davis did at first base. Ollie’s a pretty fragile character — whereas you’re such a sturdy character. We’ve given you all kinds of makeovers over the years, and you’ve taken them like a champ. And we know if people see you next to Ollie, they wouldn’t dare boo…that much.”
“Unless we’re in the outfield unveiling corporate logos.”
“Right. And they wouldn’t attack him if he’s hanging out with you. We can even reimagine him as Mr. Met’s Special Pal.”
“Of course Ollie’s my special pal! All the Mets are my special pal!”

“Did I mention what a team player you are, Mr. Met?”
“For this team, I’ll be anything.”
“How about an enormous distraction?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you might have read we’re having a little legal trouble.”
“I don’t read much. I have to squint to make things out. Twitter really gives me a headache. But yeah, I heard something about lawsuits and finances and such.”
“Then you know we might need you more than ever in 2011.”
“You mean to be relentlessly cheerful and smiling and take Mets fans’ minds off everything that’s swirling around the team?”
“That, too, but we want you in on the meetings and hearings and anything else that comes up.”
“What do you mean?”

“Think about it, Mr. Met. The prosecutors, the mediators, the media, they’re going to be all over us. But if they see Mr. Met in court or at a press conference or wherever, who’s going to remember what they were so upset about?”
“Gosh, I don’t know if I can be that distracting.”
“You’re our best option, Mr. Met. Whaddaya say? Will you sit in on some meetings for the Mets?”
“For the Mets? Shoot, I’m Mr. Met! Hand me a stack of t-shirts and point me to the conference room!”
“Mr. Met, you really are the best. Just one more favor for now, though.”
“Anything.”
“Can you keep quiet about this?”
“Hey, who do you think you’re talking to? I’m Mr. Met!”