Our ripoff…uh, adaptation of Newsday's old Short-Season Awards proved so popular, that we're bringing it back. “Borrowing” from Joe Gergen's strike-era (1980-81) concept, we recognized the best and worst performances of the season's first 25 games, which was roughly the first sixth of the season.
Well, another sixth has gone by, so let's get fractional and hand out the honors/dishonors for all Mets action between Games 26 (5/2) and 54 (6/2). When we get an idea, we like to run it into the ground.
Best Mets…EVER!
Ever, as in 29 games.
1) Mike Cameron: Cam-a-lama-ding-dong! What idiot was telling himself “if only we could pawn off Cameron on somebody, then we'd get somewhere”? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to avoid every mirror between here and the kitchen.
2) Kris Benson: After shaking off the rust, he's pitching like he can't wait to plow through the hitters, get home and hit the sack. Wonder why.
3) Pedro Martinez: Prepare an extension.
4) David Wright: Know what's fun about him? He's getting better right in front of us. He's not perfect…yet.
5) Miguel Cairo: Skanque becomes Savior.
SNO Mets
SNO = Severe Negative Overreaction
1) Doug Mientkiewicz: Oh, if only we had signed Delgado, we'd score more runs. (Parallel universe: Oh, if only we had signed Mientkiewicz, we'd allow fewer runs.)
2) Kaz Matsui: I know! Maybe if everybody boos him every time they see him, he'll do better! It worked for Doug Sisk.
3) Carlos Beltran: He didn't drive in a single run all those days when he was he too hurt to play. Bum.
4) Cliff Floyd: The human spoiler. He spoiled us.
5) Victor Zambrano: What has he done for us lately? I mean before that?
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
1) Koo called safe when he was out.
1a) Koo in a position to be called safe.
1b) Koo eyeing home on a bunt as he rounded third.
1c) Koo doubling.
1d) Koo doubling off of Randy Johnson.
1e) Koo swinging against Randy Johnson.
1f) Koo standing in the batter's box.
2) Cameron lies down in right — and CATCHES the ball!
3) Zambton Comes Alive.
4) Glavine resembles Glavine against St. Louis.
5) Mike demolishes Milwaukee.
It Sucks To Be Mets
1) Wright called out when he was out in Atlanta. But c'mon, ump.
2) Koo (et al) blowing last Yankee game.
3) Hernandez not being perfect against Cardinals.
4) Junior Bleeping Spivey “stealing” second.
5) Congratulations, Jae — you're demoted!
Who's That Stranger?
1) Mike DeFelice: Designated for oblivion.
2) Eric Valent: Come back sometime, will ya?
3) MSG/FSNY On Time-Warner: The war is over! Until next year!
4) Scott Strickland: No, that's all right. Really. We're fine.
5) Felix Heredia: Sure we wanted you to go away, but not with an aneurysm.
Die [Opponent] Die!
1) Braves: Always the Braves. Always.
2) Skanques: 6-6 since the Collapse-O-Meter's last appearance.
3) Fish: They're probably better than us but they don't show it.
4) Phillies: Brett Myers still haunts me.
5) Cubs: Keep Derrek Lee away from us.
Seemed Important At The Time
1) Koo Starts The Ninth.
2) Looper Doesn't Start The Ninth.
3) Hernandez Removed In The Ninth.
4) Jose shouldn't bat leadoff. Unless he triples and steals a lot. Never mind, then.
5) Aaron Heilman.
Amazin' Zeitgeist
1) We're Great!
2) We Suck!
3) We're Great!
4) We Suck!
5) We're .500.
I'm getting a great deal of personal satisfaction from being right about Mike Cameron. Just don't make me look bad, 'kay, Mike? As for Doug Mientkiewicz, we're darned lucky to have him. He's an amazing fielder, a good hitter (maybe not right now, but he is) and one heck of a good dude, despite his mouth often moving way faster than his brain.
Kaz… yeah, heaping abuse on someone can only make them perform better. Nothing like the anticipation of 30,000 people vocally expressing their unreasonable, inexplicable hatred to make a guy play every ball cleanly. Being booed and told in no uncertain terms that everyone wishes you were someone else has gotta give a guy incredible confidence when he walks up to the plate, too. Met fans really are geniuses. You'd have to be a genius to purposely sabotage your own team, right? Morons. Stay home if you can't even be civil to your own. Save the hate for the enemy.
Remind me again exactly why we wanted Felix Heredia to go away… he made Yankee fans miserable and didn't give up a run for us. Two very positive achievements in my book.
LGM. And Twins.