At the risk of offending the baseball gods, I flipped over to watch the ninth inning on YES. After Michael Kay sourly deconstructed the chants of “Let's Go Mets!” filling Yankee Stadium, he invited me to stick around to find out who the player of the game was and get some thoughts on the game and the Yankees. How sweet of him, I thought. I think I will.
Wow. Gary Cohen piling on Robbie Alomar has nothing on how Singleton, Kaat, Kay, Murcer, Justice tore apart this Yankee club. Justice kept repeating that “you may see this all year,” Kay mused hopefully about the Yankees starting a fight, Kaat patiently pooh-poohed that, and then Joe Torre was asked a bunch of questions that were the baseball equivalent of flaming bags of dog shit on your doormat.
“Has Bernie become a defensive liability?” Ding-Dong! Stomp stomp stomp. Squelch squelch squelch.
“The other day you described yourself as angry. How do you feel today?” Ding-Dong! Stomp stomp stomp. Squelch squelch squelch.
“What do you have to say to Yankees fans?” Ding-Dong! Stomp stomp stomp. Squelch squelch squelch.
I'd feel sorry for them … if they weren't Yankees and therefore didn't deserve it through and through. (Hee hee hee!) They may well beat us tomorrow night: It's hard to sweep any series, Randy Johnson (hurt back and all) knows he's got to stop the team's slide, I never bet against Derek Fricking Jeter, and that team ain't this bad. On the other hand, they just said on FAN that Tony Womack may play center tomorrow. Yikes. If they're gonna beat us, Randy Johnson better be prepared to strike out a dozen: The Yankees' outfield is just rub-your-eyes horrible. Their best outfielder is Gary Sheffield, nicknamed “Magellan” for his roundabout routes to balls. With the Matsui Who Can Hit hobbled, none of their options in left are better than bad (Womack? Ruben Sierra?), and Bernie Williams is just ghastly in center. He's Juan Samuel Bad. Keith Miller Bad. Todd Hundley in Left Bad. (OK, that last one was fun to type, but not even remotely true.) How many misplays has Bernie had in two games? They better do something about center, or they're done. (How about a typical Yankee trade like, say, Robinson Cano and Chien-Ming Wang for Mike Cameron?)
BTW, the YESmen's player of the game was Tom Glavine. Wha? Did the Kay Korps see the quarter-mile worth of bombs Cliff Floyd hit today? Did they see Glavine's inability to step up with two outs? (Hey, come to think of it, Tom Glavine could really shore up that rotation. Or maybe play center.) Did they see David Wright go 2 for 4 and play another nifty game in the field? There are some games even Tom Glavine can't screw up.
Beyond that, there's not an enormous amount to say when you wallop a team 10-3. We're good. Hope we stay good tomorrow. Showdown of .500 teams. One of us is going to be underwater when it's over. I hope it ain't us.
Closing thought: When did we change ad agencies? The “Vote for Jose” ad, which says “other shortstops don't like children and animals, but Jose is a friend to everybody”? That's funny. The ads with a bored Mister Met preparing to trash the old Tug-era bullpen card jumping it off a ramp, or carving bats into little animals? Funny! Meanwhile, the last YES ad I saw was a promo for the Graig Nettles Yankeeography. To quote a great book, “Nostalgia is a product of dissatisfaction and rage.”
Poor Bernie Williams. I feel bad for him. And I'm pretty sure the Yankees' shortstop also likes children and animals, but you can't believe everything you read.
As for the Yankees, could they possibly suck any more? I can't wait until tomorrow, to find out.
Bernie Williams is collecting oodles of money off a contract signed long ago and earning nary a cent of it. He has four rings (baby). He got a record deal despite no discernible professional musical talent simply because of his baseball affiliation. And he caught the final out of the 2000 World Series.
The 2000 World Series.
The day I feel sorry for Bernie Williams is the day they declare world peace, cure world hunger and announce the worst problem anybody anywhere has is a rapidly deteriorating ability to play centerfield for the New York bleeping Yankees.
Bleep Bernie Williams. Bleep the whole lot of them. Whatever happens Sunday night, a day like this was a long time coming.
As a Yankee, I have no mercy for him. I want him to suck utterly and completely. Of course. But as a human being, I feel bad for him while he's sucking. Of all the Yankees, he's one of the least vile. Even I can't work up any sympathy for, say, A-Rod, and you know what a big baby I am that way… I even feel sorry for Giambi. HELLO.
“Joe Torre was asked a bunch of questions that were the baseball equivalent of flaming bags of dog shit on your doormat.”
How did I miss that the first time around? That is hilarious. You two are really finding your stride, what with Greg's “horrendous Yankee carousel” and now this. Huzzah.
This from May 22, a mere five weeks ago.
NEW YORK (AP) — No longer a regular starter, Bernie Williams keeps coming up with key hits.
After Pedro Martinez dominated for seven innings, Williams capped a three-run rally in the eighth with a go-ahead double Sunday that sent the New York Yankees to a 5-3 victory over the New York Mets in the finale of the season's first Subway Series.
“Obviously, it means a lot,” said Williams, the Yankees' regular center fielder from 1993 until he lost his job in early May. “I'm just trying to make the best out of the opportunity that I've been given. Hopefully, a lot more will come.”
***
If Bernie Williams went home from the ballpark, felt a dull ache and was diagnosed with a fatal disease, then I feel sorry for him. If someone close to him suffers a similar circumstance, I feel sorry for him. If Bernie Williams' domicile suffered some terrible damage natural or otherwise, I feel sorry for him.
I wish no bad fortune on a human being named Bernie Williams. I've heard he's a lovely guy.
Bernie Williams the ballplayer — the only reason I've ever heard of him is because of what he does and who he does it for — I feel no sympathy for. I repeat: This fucking day was fucking overdue for the last fucking I don't know how many years. And if I've learned one thing bearing witness to this man and his teammates on too many occasions it's that, as on May 22, they can turn on a dime and make our lives miserable. They may do it Sunday night for all we know.
Being the least vile Yankee is like being a little bit pregnant.
Yes, Greg. I agree with you. You know that. If he pulls that May 22 crap again tomorrow, I'll be cursing the day he was born. Fret not. Bernie the man: good dude. Bernie Williams the friggin' Yankee: the devil's minion. Play the guitar: fine. Play centerfield well enough to rob us of hits: Die, motherf**ker. And shove the guitar up… That's kinda what I said.
Bernie Williams: a month pregnant. Derek Jeter: legs in stirrups, crowning.
This is the first time I've had the pleasure of watching a YES postgame, and I have just one comment about Michael Kay. After a loss, he looks like Joe Pesci at the moment he realizes he's about to get wacked. Except it's for 10 straight minutes, as opposed to a few seconds. That's all.
We can't give 'em an inch. They'll take 315 feet to right field.
They even shot Tommy in the face so his mother couldn't give him an open casket.
If that means you're done yelling “Yankee lover!!” at me, I'll take it.
Yankee lover! :-)
I was about to give the standard “I've been called worse..” retort, when I realized I, uh, haven't.
Still feel sorry for Jason Giambi?