They're Forever Blowing Ballgames

I'm tellin' ya, fellas, it'll be easy. They'll never even know we're not tryin'. Here's everybody's assignments.

Kris: We're gonna getcha a lead. Not too much a lead. First we'll have one'a those innings this team always has. Ya know, make a coupla outs, then get some guys on and then when it's time ta turn it into something…WHAMO! Nothin'! Goose eggs, I tell ya. So anyway, ya get a lead, but then ya give it away. How? We'll get ta that in a minute.

Carlos: Everybody's gonna be watchin' ya, pretty boy, because they're givin' away yer doll. And I don't mean Mrs. B, wink, wink. Hey, no offense, brother. You'se neither, Kris. This is what ya gotta do, CB. Give the folks a show, ya know what I mean? Go make a fancy catch. Get a coupla doubles. I know ya save yer dingers for Pedro, but ya can double a coupla times for our boy Kris, can'tcha? I knew that ya could. But here's the kicker. I wantcha ta make like that doll and pose with the bat. Yeah, that's it. Do that after ya pop the ball up towards first base. Don't move a muscle. Just stand there. The ball will be fair and everything will be taken care of.

Jose: You, kid — yer a good kid, but yer gonna have some bad things happen today, ya got me? Yer gonna drop a throw from the catcher. Don't gimme that look, the throw'll get ta ya, trust me. And yer gonna be on base when Carlos here makes like that statue a'his. We'll letcha get on in the middle'a that one inning where we score, but that's gonna be it. Okey-doke, maybe twice, but no more. Gotta make it look legit but we can't go overboard. If we do, we might actually win.

Mike: Yer gonna make that throw ta Jose over here. But otherwise, I wanna see balls flyin' every which way except ta second base or third base. Got me? Also, we fixed it so that knucklehead Mota comes in late. I wantcha ta get all hot and bothered that this is the same guy ya tried ta strangle within an inch'a his life a coupla spring trainings ago. And I want that frustration ta get the best'a ya. No gettin' even with him, capesh?

Other Mike: Out in center. Make an error or somethin'. The first Mike can't keep throwin' balls yer way all day. After ya do that, that'll be the signal for Kris — ya payin' attention? — ta mishandle a ball hit ta yer right. Pick it up if ya want, but don't do nothin' with it. Ya got make sure the bases get loaded for that Encarnacion character. When he comes up, ya don't get in his way. Are we clear, Kris?

Miguel: Yer lookin' pretty anxious ta help. That gives me a brilliant idea. When ya come in, no matter the situation, yer job is ta swing right away. First pitch. Don't even think about it. No usin' yer noodle. Just swing. The cards will fall where the cards will fall.

Danny: Ya've done enough just by showin' up, but I like yer initiative. Hit Encarnacion with the bases loaded. That'll be plenty. We don't wanna be too obvious. What? How do I know the bases'll be loaded? Let's just say I know.

OK, everybody got their assignment? Lessee…there's seven'a ya on board, and for this ta work without any screwups, we're gonna need eight men out there who know what ta do.

Yeah, definitely eight men out. So I'll be the eighth. What'll I do? Obviously you'se guys don't know me very well yet.

I already got Willie ta start me at first today. Believe you'se me, I'll take it from there.