INT. — AN APARTMENT IN BROOKLYN — AROUND 6 PM ON OCT. 19, 2006.
JASON, an extraordinarily tired-looking man in his late 30s, enters stage left. He is dressed entirely in Met gear. He plops down on a worn couch in front of a coffee table, then quickly gets back up again.
JASON
(muttering and pacing)
Ohmygod, it all comes down to Oliver Perez. The whole season. Oliver Perez. Against Suppan. Ohmygod.
He sits back down on the couch, gets up, repeats this, puts a gray Mets cap with a stars-and-stripes NY on his head, plucks it off, and finally exhales deeply. He's obviously agitated. Haunted, even.
JASON
There's only one thing to do.
He looks around furtively, then walks quickly to a bookcase and removes a round object covered with a silk hankerchief. The hankerchief is adorned with baseballs and question marks. He takes this mysterious object, still shrouded by the handkerchief, and places it carefully on the coffee table.
JASON
Here goes nothin'.
He sweeps the hankerchief off the table, revealing a crystal ball, and stares into it. The ball begins to glow faintly.
JASON
Tell me, oh baseball gods, what's going to happen tonight. I need to know.
CRYSTAL BALL
(eerie voiceover)
Patience! All will be revealed within hours.
JASON
Uh-uh. I'm going crazy. Tell me!
CRYSTAL BALL
Heed my warning — prophecies are an uncertain business.
JASON
Yeah, whatever. So's getting a sac fly with the bases loaded and one out. I need to know!
CRYSTAL BALL
Very well. If you must ask … ask.
JASON
Oh baseball gods, tell me — who's going to win tonight?
An eerie wind sweeps through the room. The crystal ball pulses blue, orange, red, black and orange.
CRYSTAL BALL
The next game the New York Mets play after tonight … will be against …
JASON leans forward, mouth agape.
CRYSTAL BALL
… the Detroit Tigers.
JASON
Woo-hoo! YES! YESSSS! World Series, baby! YEAH!
He begans dancing around the room, hands raised in joy.
CRYSTAL BALL
Remember … the answer you receive may not always match the question you ask.
JASON
(distracted)
You say something?
CRYSTAL BALL
Oh, nothing important.
JASON
(muttering and pacing)
Ohmygod, it all comes down to Oliver Perez. The whole season. Oliver Perez. Against Suppan. Ohmygod.
He sits back down on the couch, gets up, repeats this, puts a gray Mets cap with a stars-and-stripes NY on his head, plucks it off, and finally exhales deeply. He's obviously agitated. Haunted, even.
JASON
There's only one thing to do.
He looks around furtively, then walks quickly to a bookcase and removes a round object covered with a silk hankerchief. The hankerchief is adorned with baseballs and question marks. He takes this mysterious object, still shrouded by the handkerchief, and places it carefully on the coffee table.
JASON
Here goes nothin'.
He sweeps the hankerchief off the table, revealing a crystal ball, and stares into it. The ball begins to glow faintly.
JASON
Tell me, oh baseball gods, what's going to happen tonight. I need to know.
CRYSTAL BALL
(eerie voiceover)
Patience! All will be revealed within hours.
JASON
Uh-uh. I'm going crazy. Tell me!
CRYSTAL BALL
Heed my warning — prophecies are an uncertain business.
JASON
Yeah, whatever. So's getting a sac fly with the bases loaded and one out. I need to know!
CRYSTAL BALL
Very well. If you must ask … ask.
JASON
Oh baseball gods, tell me — who's going to win tonight?
An eerie wind sweeps through the room. The crystal ball pulses blue, orange, red, black and orange.
CRYSTAL BALL
The next game the New York Mets play after tonight … will be against …
JASON leans forward, mouth agape.
CRYSTAL BALL
… the Detroit Tigers.
JASON
Woo-hoo! YES! YESSSS! World Series, baby! YEAH!
He begans dancing around the room, hands raised in joy.
CRYSTAL BALL
Remember … the answer you receive may not always match the question you ask.
JASON
(distracted)
You say something?
CRYSTAL BALL
Oh, nothing important.
Oh… my… GOD!!!!! Jace, this is one of the funniest things I've ever read!! GOOD ONE!!!
The world of baseball theater is a wonderful place. Bravo!
Ya might just have a future in this business, kid…
Congratulations, Jason. That was one of the cleverist punch lines I ever read and it did take my brain a few seconds to figure it out!
Let's just hope tomorrow's grapefruit league opener isn't called beforehand due to rain…., that would ruin your piece's place in Met posterity!
I'm not sure if striking a fatherly tone here would help, as in “Last year was last year, this year's the ******* thing!” Nah, that never works with those younger than yourself. Trust me. Maybe a Wiccan chant would help, but I'm fresh out. Look how the last election turned out…
Would getting all historical help? “We won in '69, lost in '73, won in '86, lost in '00 and haven't been there since but came really ******* close last year.” Put in perspective, we broke the Bwaves' stranglehold on the East and made our enemies cry with how badly we beat them; witness the Phils' smack-talk and goofy prognostications about the Bwaves' coming back.
This year? Let's let them play the games and see how it all turns out. Crystal balls break too easily; Mets' balls are made of sterner stuff.
“Mets' balls are made of sterner stuff. ”
Who said that – Anna Benson?