Following the Mets' 7-4 win over the Cardinals [1] Tuesday night, the Redbird players shrugged it off. It was just one game, manager Tony La Russa told them, we'll get 'em tomorrow. Most of them scattered to their homes, but one was invited for a drink at Mike Shannon's [2], just across the street from Busch Stadium. This Cardinal had had a pretty good game — drove in a run, threw out a runner — and thought it was just two more of his local admirers wanting to show their appreciation. In St. Louis, he never had to buy himself a drink. The fans were so great. The Cardinal accepted the invitation. Funny thing, though. The Cardinal had been to Shannon's plenty of times and where he was taken, it didn't look like Shannon's…and there didn't appear to be any drink either. After a little friendly baseball chit-chat, the tension began to ratchet up.
“So, you think you're pretty handy with a bat.”
“I don't know what you guys are talking about. I was just doing my job.”
“Uh-huh. Doing your job.”
“Yeah, that's right.”
“Your job is what?”
“I play for the Cardinals.”
“Oh. You play for the Cardinals.”
“That's right. I'm the starting catcher.”
“Catcher, huh? So you what? You catch?”
“That's right. I catch.”
“You wear a mask? And a chest protector?”
“And shin guards.”
“Funny, I don't see any of that stuff on ya now. Neither does my associate Rocco.”
WHACK!
“OW! Whad'ja do that for?”
“I thought you were a catcher. I thought you were used to catching.”
“I catch balls!”
WHACK!
“OW! What's wrong with you?”
“Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said something about catching it in the balls.”
“What kind of crazy mother…”
“What about my mother? What did you say?”
“I didn't say nothin'.”
“Sounds like you were sayin' something about my crazy mother and your balls.”
“What's with you guys? You don't seem like Cardinal fans.”
“What gives you the impression that we are not Cardinal fans?”
“Cardinal fans don't usually hit me with a bat.”
“Let's just say we are very intense Cardinal fans.”
“No way, man. Cardinal fans are nice. Cardinal fans love me. I hit that big home run for them.”
WHACK!
“OW! QUIT IT!”
“I'm sorry. Did you say we should quit it? Maybe you should quit it.”
“I'm not quitting. I'm a hero. They love me in St. Louis. I won the pennant for these people.”
“These people? Are you implying that we are not your people? That we are not happy to see you? That we were not happy with 'that big home run' of yours?”
“You sure don't seem happy about it.”
“Get a load of that, Rocco. Mr. Molina here don't think we enjoyed his big home run. That was what now…two years ago?”
“Yeah, 2006. If you were Cardinal fans you'd never forget it.”
“I see. Now I'm forgetful.”
“I didn't say that.”
WHACK!
“OW! NO WAY YOU'RE A CARDINAL FAN! CARDINAL FANS DON'T HIT CARDINALS WITH BASEBALL BATS!”
“Now that you mention it, my associate Rocco isn't by nature one of your long-term, dyed-in-the-wool, red-wearing Cardinal fans. In fact he's not really from Missouri, to be perfectly honest with you.”
“Southern Illinois?”
“Rocco's actually in town on business. As I am. From New York.”
“New York?”
WHACK!
“Yes, New York. Where you hit 'that big home run' you seem so proud of.”
“I was just doing my job.”
“Oh. Your job. Your job is catching, I thought you said.”
“Well, I come to bat, too.”
“Of course. How silly of me. The catcher bats sometimes.”
“The catcher bats just like any other player.”
“You mean like this?”
WHACK!
“COME ON! THAT REALLY HURTS!”
“Oh, are we inflicting pain on you? Is that something you know about because you've done it before?”
“What, the home run? I'm a baseball player! I'm not supposed to swing the bat?”
“Rocco, our friend Mr. Molina is quite amusing, all this talk of bats. He seems to have a real Adirondack fetish.”
“You guys are from New York. You know how baseball works.”
“We do know a little something about baseball. We do know how it works. We do know how 2006 was supposed to work, too.”
WHACK!
“We know the Mets were on their way to the World Series that year…”
WHACK!
“We do know there was a little 'accident' in Miami…”
WHACK!
“We do know the cops pinned it on some 'drunk driver' who just happened to be careening outta control on I-95…”
WHACK!
“We do know that he just happened to take out our most reliable set-up relief pitcher…”
WHACK!
“We do know that instead of Duaner Sanchez three months later that you got to face who you wanted to face, Aaron Heilman…”
WHACK!
“And we do know about your 'big home run'…”
WHACK!
“And we were willing to say, as you put it, that's how baseball works, that sometimes you have an overwhelming powerhouse of a team and that sometimes you lose a key cog in the middle of a season in a freak automobile accident and sometimes a light-hitting catcher hits an extremely unlikely home run to take away from you the pennant you knew to be yours. That's just one of those unfortunate incidents.”
WHACK!
“THEN WHY ARE YOU GUYS HITTING ME WITH A BAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN?”
“Because, Mr. Molina…Yadier, if you don't mind me being overly familiar…because Yadier, you shouldn't have tried to get cute in the eighth inning tonight.”
“What cute? It was just a line drive! I was just trying to get on base! We were down three runs!”
“And your 'line drive' just happened to smack straight in the direction of our friend Duaner Sanchez's kneecap?”
“Yeah. That's it. An accident.”
“Like the accident in Miami where Duaner missed the rest of the '06 season and all of '07.”
“Yeah! Like that!”
“Tell me, Yadier. You seem to be an expert on 'accidents'.”
“Huh?”
“Yadier, you do a lot of traveling?”
“I'm a ballplayer. We travel a lot, sure.”
“You ever go to Miami?”
“When we play the Marlins, I guess.”
“You have any friends in Miami?”
“Whaddaya…whaddaya mean?”
“You have a friend named Cecil Wiggins?”
“Never heard of him.”
“You sure? About that? You want Rocco to help refresh your memory?”
“Well, now that you mention it…”
“Yes?”
“I, uh…”
“Yes?”
“OH ALL RIGHT! I AM CECIL WIGGINS! THAT'S MY STREET NAME! LA RUSSA PUT ME UP TO IT! I WAS JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS! LA RUSSA'S CRAZY! HE BATS THE PITCHER EIGHTH!”
“So you admit that you took out Duaner Sanchez in Miami in the wee hours of July 31, 2006?”
“Yes. We heard he liked Dominican food so we tailed him. It's La Russa, though, you gotta believe me. I like Duaner. We played winter ball together.”
“And you admit the whole idea was to get Heilman on the mound on October 19, 2006?”
“Yes.”
“Anything else?”
“And to make it so the Mets would have to trade Xavier Nady and sign Guillermo Mota. But that wasn't me. That was La Russa. He's evil. I'm his pawn. We all are. He made McGwire bulk up. He ruined Ankiel's pitching career so he could reinvent him as a hitter. HE'S CRAZY!”
“And tonight?”
“Yes, yes. The line drive at Duaner's knee [3] was intentional. It was supposed to be more than a bruise.”
“So's this, Yadier.”
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
“C'mon, Rocco, and don't forget the bat. Jerry says we got two more Molinas to take care of tonight. He's dead serious about this 'gangsta' stuff.”