INT. LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON
AS ENDORA WATCHES TELEVISION FROM AN EASY CHAIR, OBLIVIOUS TO HER SON-IN-LAW’S PAINED EXPRESSION, DARRIN PUTS DOWN THE SPORTS SECTION OF HIS NEWSPAPER ON THE COUCH WHERE HE SITS. HE SIGHS AND COMPLAINS TO SAMANTHA (SITTING NEXT TO HIM), “That darn Willie Harris did it to us again last night. If only we could get him to stop killing the Mets!” SAMANTHA, DECIDING TO DO DARRIN A BIG FAVOR, TWITCHES HER NOSE, AND WILLIE HARRIS APPEARS IN THEIR LIVING ROOM DECKED OUT IN A FULL METS UNIFORM. ALL SPRING TO THEIR FEET TO GREET THEIR BEWILDERED VISITOR.
DARRIN (exasperated)
SAM!
SAMANTHA
Well, you said you didn’t want him beating the Mets anymore…
WILLIE HARRIS
Excuse me, but what am I doing here?
SAMANTHA
Oh hi, Mr. Harris. Welcome to the New York Mets!
WILLIE HARRIS
The Mets? But I’m a Washington National! And we’re supposed to be in L.A. playing the Dodgers tonight!
SAMANTHA
Not anymore. You’re taking on the Cardinals at Citi Field. Terry Collins has you batting seventh and playing left.
WILLIE HARRIS
Does Jim Riggleman know?
DARRIN
Sam! Willie Harris can’t become a Met just because you twitched your nose!
SAMANTHA (SHEEPISHLY)
Actually, honey, he just did.
WILLIE HARRIS (STILL BEWILDERED)
Excuse me again — I’m on the Mets now [1] because you twitched your nose?
SAMANTHA
That’s right!
WILLIE HARRIS
And instead of making one great catch after another that every Mets fan absorbs like a dagger to the heart, I’m supposed to make great catches that they’ll cheer?
SAMANTHA
Right again!
ENDORA (DISDAINFULLY AMUSED)
I can see why this one bothers you so much, Derwood. It’s not that he makes catches. He just catches on a lot quicker than you do. You could take a lesson from him. You’re rather slow, you know.
DARRIN
Endora!
SAMANTHA
Mother! Not now!
ENDORA
Go ahead, Derwood. Why don’t you tell our guest all the things you said you’d do to him if you ever got your hands on him?
DARRIN
Please, Endora. That was just the frustration of watching Mr. Harris play such fantastic defense against the Mets talking.
ENDORA
Is that why you promised…what was it again? Oh yes, that you’d “wring Willie Harris’s scrawny little neck” if he was ever within five feet of you. He’s right here, Derwood, and his neck appears perfectly untouched!
DARRIN
You’ll have to forgive the disturbed ravings of my mother-in-law, Mr. Harris. She doesn’t know baseball.
ENDORA
And you don’t know anything.
DARRIN
SAM!
SAMANTHA
Both of you, stop it! We can settle this later. Right now we have to get Willie to the ballpark.
WILLIE HARRIS
Man, I gotta talk to my agent.
SAMANTHA TWITCHES HER NOSE. SHE, DARRIN, ENDORA AND WILLIE HARRIS ALL DISAPPEAR FROM THE STEPHENS LIVING ROOM, INSTANTLY REMATERIALIZING IN THE HOME TEAM DUGOUT AT CITI FIELD WHERE THEY ENCOUNTER A PERFECTLY CALM R.A. DICKEY, WHO BARELY LOOKS UP FROM HIS BOOK.
WILLIE HARRIS
Hey R.A.
R.A. DICKEY
Oh, hi Willie.
WILLIE HARRIS
You don’t seem all that surprised to see me in a Mets uniform, or these strange people who brought me here.
R.A. DICKEY
Willie, spend a little time around the Mets, and you’ll find yourself exponentially unsurprised by all the otherwise incomprehensible hijinks that transpire in this place.
WILLIE HARRIS
That’s quite the vocabulary you’ve got there.
R.A. DICKEY
And that’s some defense you play against us. After seeing the video of those catches, you’d have to tell me these folks with you are witches to really get a rise out of me.
WILLIE HARRIS
I think two of them are, R.A.
R.A. DICKEY
Really? So that’s how you make those catches, huh?
WILLIE HARRIS
Hey, if it was witchcraft, I would have batted higher than .183 last year.
SAMANTHA
Mr. Dickey, I’d appreciate it if we could keep this “witch” thing just between us.
R.A. DICKEY
Your secret’s safe with me, lady. Just don’t tell Terry I’m missing an ulnar collateral ligament. I don’t think he’d understand I can still throw a knuckleball without one.
SAMANTHA
It’s a deal!
R.A. DICKEY
Shoot, it’s bad enough he’s been hollering at us to give “110 percent”. Chris Capuano keeps trying to tell him that’s a mathematical impossibility, but he won’t listen.
ENDORA
You with the beard and that charming accent — you throw a “knuckleball”?
R.A. DICKEY
Yes ma’am.
ENDORA
Then you should really get along with Derwood here. He’s what you mortals call a “knucklehead”.
DARRIN
Endora, I’ve got a good mind…
ENDORA
I wouldn’t swear to that in a court of law.
SAMANTHA
Please, mother! Darrin! Not in the Mets’ dugout!
R.A. DICKEY
Willie, man, maybe you should talk to your agent.
CUE UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER