“Your phone number for a Monday night schmooze, One Eight Seven Seven, Three Three Seven, Six Six Six Six on your Fan — WFAN, here taking your calls until Richard Neer at ten o’clock. Fred from Locust Valley, you’re next.”
“Hello Steve.”
“Hello Fred! You’re calling from the Valley of the Locusts, with the bedbugs…what already?”
“Steve, I want to talk about the Mets.”
“Fred, getting right to it!”
“Steve, I want to talk about Jose Reyes.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts and the bedbugs and the shortstop of the New York Metropolitans.”
“Steve, Jose Reyes is a racehorse.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts stepping up to the pari-mutuel window with the mint juleps and the black-eyed susans and the Shackleford already. I get the feeling Fred maybe won a few shekels wagering on the Preakness Saturday before watching his racehorse Jose Reyes run in the Subway Series. Fred from the Valley of the Locusts with the thoroughbreds already!”
“No, Steve, I lost money.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. What’s on your mind regarding the shortstop of the New York Metropolitans, Jose Reyes?”
“Steve, Jose Reyes is a racehorse. He thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts setting the odds on the free agent market for Jose Reyes while Jose Reyes is still under contract to play shortstop for the New York Metropolitans! Is that tampering? We’ll let it go.”
“Steve, Jose Reyes isn’t going to get Carl Crawford money. He’s had everything wrong with him.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts offering, what, with the diagnosis of your Jose Reyes and your New York Metropolitans — everything wrong with him! Jose Reyes at or near the top of your National League leaderboard in hits and doubles and triples and stolen bases and leading off and getting on base, but Fred…not so impressed with Jose Reyes.”
“Steve, Jose Reyes isn’t going to get Carl Crawford money. He’s had everything wrong with him. He’s not going to get it.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts making with the forecast and the apocalyptic doom with the world ending! It didn’t end Saturday, but now Fred letting us know Jose Reyes, shortstop for his Metropolitans won’t be making the, what, one-hundred forty-two million dollars for the seven years like Carl Crawford with the Boston Red Sox, we should only be so lucky to live another seven days let alone seven years. Fred, are you there?”
“I’m here Steve. And I want to talk about David Wright.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts and the bedbugs and maybe they should spray while you’re all infested, what do you want to say about David Wright, third baseman for the New York Metropolitans?”
“He’s pressing, Steve.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts making like the batting coach and the sports psychologist at the same time for your New York Metropolitans, seeing exactly what is wrong with David Wright!”
“He’s pressing, Steve. David Wright’s a really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts sticking the needle into the face of the franchise! David Wright with All-Star appearances and the hundred RBIs every year and now with the strained lower back, what, and Fred from the Valley of the Locusts recommending acupuncture! The needle for the face of the franchise!”
“Steve…”
“Call me Steve.”
“Steve, about Carlos Beltran…”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts turning his attention to the right fielder of the Metropolitans.”
“One good series, Steve, in 2004, for Houston.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts boiling down the career of Carlos Beltran to one series! Fred, not impressed with the last seven years of Carlos Beltran running around in center field and now right field for his Metropolitans.”
“Steve, we had some schmuck in New York who paid him based on that one series.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts getting ethnic! Can Fred say that on the air? Brian Monzo on the other side of the glass shaking his head. Fred with the salty language, the tongue already!”
“Steve, he’s sixty-five to seventy percent of what he was.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts downgrading Carlos Beltran in his final year as a New York Metropolitan. Doesn’t think Jose Reyes is Carl Crawford. Thinks David Wright is pressing. Evaluates Carlos Beltran at about two-thirds of what he was. Fred, I want to ask you — are there any New York Metropolitans you’re excited about already?”
“Pedro Beato — Brooklyn boy. And Ike Davis, Steve.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts happy to have Ike Davis on the Metropolitans!”
“Good hitter. Shi…”
“Fred with the language again! You can’t talk like that on the radio, Brian Monzo on the other side of the glass quick with the button. You have to watch it, Fred! This is a radio station, not Locust Valley!”
“Sorry Steve. Lousy clubs, that’s what happens. We’re snakebitten, baby.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts getting intimate on a Monday night!”
“I grew up in Brooklyn, Steve.”
“Call me Steve.”
“I grew up in Brooklyn and went to Ebbets Field.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts with the nostalgia from fifty-something years ago.”
“Steve, my hero was Jackie Robinson. I went to Lafayette High School with Sandy Koufax.”
“Fred from the Valley of the Locusts and the nostalgia for the good old days and the egg creams and going to school with Sandy Koufax already!”
“I pitched at Lafayette High School, Steve. The only reason he joined the baseball team was so we could hang around together. I pitched batting practice for the Dodgers.”
“Fred from Locust Valley with the beautiful memories, not so much with the patience for your New York Metropolitans of today. Thank you for calling, Fred, next time watch the salty language, like you don’t think anybody is listening when you talk [1] already? One Eight Seven Seven, Three Three Seven, Six Six Six Six your number on the Fan. Eighty thirty-nine and fifty-five seconds, with the twenty-twenty flash, here’s Rich Ackerman!”