INT. CITI FIELD — NIGHT
Several dejected Mets are sitting around the clubhouse, half in and half out of their uniforms.
JUSTIN TURNER
God. We’ve lost four in a row, and the last three have absolutely sucked.
R.A. DICKEY
I know. Things were going sublimely in Cincinnati. I felt like we stood on the cusp of a great undertaking. And now we find ourselves betwixt and between, star-crossed wayfarers on an uncertain course.
DANIEL MURPHY
I hate the Marlins.
TURNER
I hate that we’re .500 again.
DICKEY
It’s peculiar. A subpar record can be a motivator. A solid record can reinforce success. And yet mediocrity leaves us adrift.
MURPHY
We need a night off to stop our losing streak. We need a rainout.
VOICE [off-stage]
I can get us a rainout.
Johan Santana emerges from the steam of the showers, perfectly attired in a gorgeous suit.
SANTANA
Ten thousand bucks says I can get us a rainout tomorrow.
MURPHY
Why are you here? [excitedly] Hey, are you being activated?
SANTANA
No, examined. Lingering shoulder discomfort.
MURPHY
Ugh!
SANTANA
I know. Let’s not talk about it. Ten thousand says it rains tomorrow.
TURNER
Ten thousand? Jeez, that’s steep. How about a hundred?
SANTANA
What is this, the Carolina League? Ten thousand.
MURPHY
You’re on.
TURNER
I’m in.
DICKEY
I find myself curiously drawn to the idea of a wager.
SANTANA
Let’s go then.
The three Mets dress hurriedly as Santana waits impatiently, then follow him through the tunnels under Citi Field.
TURNER
Wait, I know what’s going to happen next! You’re going to take a baseball bat and bang on faucets so all the sprinklers turn on and flood the field! Oh man, I wish I’d thought of that before. I’m going to be out ten thous —
SANTANA
This is the Show, son — that’s primitive stuff. Besides, those thugs in maroon would show up. They’d chase us around the field and we’d easily avoid them and eventually they’d be running along behind us in a row like ducklings. It would be deeply sad.
DICKEY
I concur. There is enough pathos surrounding this franchise at the current juncture.
MURPHY
So what are we going to do?
SANTANA
You’ll see.
INT. — A PIPER CUB AMID THE CLOUDS
DICKEY
Between the majesty of the night sky and partaking of the miracle of flight, my mood is elevated.
BRANDON NIMMO
Um, why am I here?
SANTANA
We’ll get to you in a minute. Murph, Justin, open those bags back there.
NIMMO
I better not be here just for some cheap joke.
SANTANA
Zip it, rook.
Murphy and Turner rip open their bags and recoil.
MURPHY
Ugh! What is this stuff?
SANTANA
Murph’s bag is full of silver iodide. Turner’s is full of dry ice.
DICKEY
A-ha!
TURNER
I don’t get it.
DICKEY
Both silver iodide and dry ice will help create ice nuclei, altering the normal microphysical processes within the clouds. So long as the clouds around us contain supercooled liquid water. They do, right Johan?
SANTANA
I make everything super-cool.
DICKEY
Well then, the introduction of a substance with a crystalline structure similar to that of ice — such as silver iodide — should induce freezing nucleation among existing droplets. As a backup, the dry ice should expand and cool the air sufficiently that ice crystals will emerge from the existing water vapor. Either way, you’ll get snow, which will melt into rain.
MURPHY
Yeah, totally figured it was freezing nucleation. Just checking, hoss.
Murphy and Turner shake their bags of chemicals out into the night air.
DICKEY
Cloud-seeding. Brilliant.
Santana favors Dickey with a nod.
TURNER
Say, who’s gonna pay for the plane?
SANTANA
Let the bonus baby get it.
NIMMO
I knew it! Look, I haven’t even signed —
DICKEY
Zip it, rook.
EXT. — LA GUARDIA AIRPORT
The Piper Cub glides down onto the runway through a steady rain. Its wheels send up a spray of water.
SANTANA
Oh my goodness, we’ve got ourselves a natural disaster.
MURPHY
Awesome! This is just what we needed!
DICKEY
It is fortuitous. Well, guess I’d better write you a check, Johan. Hey Justin, toss me that pen over there?
MURPHY
Yo, Turns, I need the pen too. Yo! Turns!
Turner holds the pen. He looks at Murphy, then at Dickey, hesitates and throws the pen out the window.
SANTANA
Do I have to fix everything?
Brilliant Jace!
This was a F & F highlight. Great dialogue from R. A. Dickey.
Really enjoyed this.
The Dickey dialogue was hilarious.
At this point a rainout is like a win….We havent lost in two days!…Woo! Hoo!
I saw Tennessee and Chumley do the same thing on Underdog. I’ve always wondered why places desperate for rain didn’t do the same thing. was I the only one watching–or rooting for–Underdog? Check it out, Hoss. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfEEsJ2JHQs
Holy $#it! That was inspired…
[…] With Greg unfortunately unable to attend, I represented us at the Mets’ latest blogger event. As always, it was a lot of fun. We started by attending Terry Collins’ pregame press conference (which happens just a few steps from the Hodges entrance on the right-field side), watched batting practice from the margins of the field, then got a visit from R.A. Dickey, up close and personal. Having now stood three feet from the man, I’m reasonably certain that he now actually exists and is not a figment of bloggers’ collective imaginations. […]