Hello, is this the York residence?
Is this Mr. York?
Good day, Mr. York. I’m with the Metropolitan Baseball Club, and I’m calling to discuss your fanship. Our records indicate you signed on with us as a charter supporter of ours in 1962, which you might remember entitled you to a full Mets fan identity for the next 50 years. Your fanship expired in 2012, but it’s our standard procedure to automatically renew you and keep you on the books for another year after that. With that year having passed, I’m required to call to ensure your continuing fanship. I’m sure you’ve just been busy and haven’t yet had a chance to renew, so if I could take a moment to confirm a few pieces of information…
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Could you tell me why you’re no longer interested?
Well, Mr. York, perhaps you haven’t heard about some of the great features we’ve added since you last fully took advantage of your Mets fanship.
No. No, we didn’t win one of those. I imagine you would have heard about it if we had. We do hope, however, to win another in the relatively near future.
No, we didn’t win one of those, either. That would’ve been big news, too. But I’m sure we’ll be competing for one very soon. In the meantime, we have all sorts of intriguing and exciting players…
No, he doesn’t play for us anymore.
I agree he was a good story, but he’s no longer here. On the other hand, we do have…
No, he’s gone, too. The year before last.
Yes, he was very good and we continue to wish him well.
No, we didn’t exactly sign anybody to take their places. We’ve been going another route.
Be that as it may, Mr. York, there are all kinds of benefits to remaining a Mets fan. I’d like to tell you about a young catcher…
No, not him. He retired a while ago. You certainly do go back with us, though. The young man I’d like to tell you about is going to…
Well, he hasn’t done anything yet. But the scouting reports are excellent. And when he arrives…
No, he’s not here. We expect him in a very brief while. And when he’s here, we look forward to him catching a pitcher who is also going to be…
No, he’s not here yet, either. We do, however, anticipate…
I wouldn’t put it that way, Mr. York. There are plenty of immediate benefits to remaining a Mets fan. We have one pitcher who is here who we’re very excited about.
No, he’s still here, but between you and me, he’s going to be phased out soon.
Yes, we’re aware of what he did last June, and I’m glad you heard about it, but we’re going in a younger, more “efficient” direction.
I wouldn’t characterize it that way. Perhaps you noticed that in last year’s playoffs…
No, I understand we weren’t in them, but there were teams who were that didn’t spend a fortune to get there.
Well, Mr. York, I respectfully disagree. It’s not an unwillingness or an inability to spend, it’s just that…
You may have read that, but it’s not necessarily true. But if I could, sir, I’d like to get back to some of our other features.
Three of them — just like everybody else: left, center and right. May I ask why you were wondering about that in particular?
To be fair, Mr. York, they haven’t proven they can’t play, and if you renew your fanship with the Mets, you’ll be able to tell everybody you were in on the ground floor.
No, sir, “ground floor” doesn’t necessarily equate with “basement”. Have I mentioned we have a catcher from whom we expect very big things?
It’s not that I’m avoiding talking about the outfield with you, I just think there’s more to the big picture. For example, the catcher…
Well, I guess we will see, and if you are interested in seeing, then I’d like to just confirm those few pieces of information and have you all set to keep your Mets fanship active. First name: N-E-…
No, there’s also a third baseman, a shortstop, a second baseman probably and a first baseman, plus a high-quality selection of on-site pitchers. We do have an array of players all ready to be enjoyed right away. Now, are you still living at…?
Uh-huh, I see. Well, about how much time do you think you’ll need to think about it?
That long? I was asking for a time frame, Mr. York, because you were willing to show us your support sight unseen in 1962 and, some variations in the marketplace notwithstanding, you seem to have benefited from the affiliation. Our records show your fanship was fully active in and around 1969, 1986 and at several junctures more recently. We’d really hate to lose your allegiance after all these years.
I’m afraid I can’t promise you that, Mr. York, nor do I think you would want me to. We’ve tried to make guarantees in the past and they generally haven’t worked. We ask that by agreeing to renew your fanship with the Mets that you trust we are making your long-term satisfaction, in conjunction with our long-term success, our primary priority.
No, no, I understand, this is a big decision. Can I ask you to allow me to contact you again at some point after the season starts to see if you have a change of heart? Maybe after you’ve had a chance to see our catcher? There are no obligations. Just a conversation.
That’s wonderful, sir. You will hear from me and we do look forward to convincing you that we know what we’re doing as soon as possible.
No, thank you, Mr. York. As we say around here, we’re not really the Mets if we don’t have New York with us [1].