“What a miserable series.”
“What series?”
“The one the Mets just played in Denver.”
“It never happened.”
“What do you mean it never happened? We just watched all three games.”
“There weren’t any three games.”
“Of course there were. There was Friday night [1], when Matt Harvey [2]’s self-doubt registered higher on the radar gun than his fastball.”
“There was no game Friday night.”
“Then there was Saturday night [3], when Logan Verrett [4] got jobbed on a swinging strike that masqueraded as a foul tip and crumbled immediately thereafter.”
“There was no game Saturday night.”
“And then on Sunday afternoon, Jacob deGrom [5] looked ordinary on the mound, Alejandro de Aza and Michael Conforto [6] looked clueless in the field, Jim Henderson [7] looked gassed in the seventh, the bats looked hollow, the manager looked beaten and the umps looked crooked when they called Juan Lagares [8] out at a critical juncture even though he was a) not being tagged and b) staying in the baseline.”
“There was no game Sunday afternoon.”
“No game, huh? So you’re telling me the Mets didn’t give up a tenuous 3-2 lead and lose, 4-3, to get swept by the Rockies at Coors Field [9].”
“Get what where?”
“Swept at Coors Field! The Mets lost three to Colorado and four in a row overall to end a long and futile road trip that left them in third place behind the freaking Phillies, never mind the Nationals.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“How could you not know? All weekend we watched and listened and fretted and moaned and…”
“None of that happened. This series never happened. Sunday’s game never happened. Coors Field never happened. Got me?”
“But the box score [10]…”
“There is no box score.”
“And the standings [11]…”
“There are no standings…”
“And the 19% discount promotion [12]…”
“Look at me. Look in my eyes. Hear what I’m saying. It never happened. It never happened. Kapish?”
“Who?”
“Exactly.”
Redact the last three games from your consciousness and enjoy a much more pleasant evening tonight at Rockville Centre’s Turn of the Corkscrew Books & Wines [13], where I’ll be reading, discussing and signing Amazin’ Again [14], the story of a Mets season that most definitely DID happen.