OK, try this:
Oh man, what a horrible game [1]. What a horrible DAY. Jacob deGrom [2]‘s pitching elbow is inflamed [3], he’s going to miss a start, and Terry Collins [4] apparently knew nothing about it. And then the Mets went out and did NOTHING against the Nats.
Ugh, the Nats! They make me want to break things!
I mean, I have to watch Daniel Murphy [5] playing like every game is the playoffs against the Dodgers or Cubs, and meanwhile Neil Walker [6]‘s done not being Daniel Murphy [5] and done for the season. And then there’s Bryce Harper [7], and Anthony Rendon [8], and now they have NEW GUYS who kill us too. Like this Trea Turner [9], and Koda Glover [10]. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS KODA GLOVER? That sounds like something you read on the preschool roster and you and your wife roll your eyes at what people name children these days and then you feel bad and one of you says “Koda’s parents might be really nice” but you don’t really mean it.
We’re 10 1/2 behind the Nats now — what a total disappointment. And the wild card, OH MAN. The chance to gain a game was sitting right there in front of us: every team we’re chasing lost and every team that’s chasing us lost, and we BLEW IT. Noah Syndergaard [11] allowed a billion stolen bases and none of the Mets hit and Hansel Robles [12] was crummy in relief again. Stupid Hansel — Sandy ought to make like the Brothers Grimm and abandon Hansel and any siblings he has in a forest somewhere.
I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it. This team is killing me. What a complete bummer.
Do something else for a couple of minutes — walk around the block or something. OK? Glad you’re back! Now try this:
It’s funny how little playing the Nats means right now. I mean, sure, they’re the team ahead of us in the NL East standings. But that race ended a long time ago, and we all know it. That means the Nats are just another team as far as we’re concerned — and remember they’re the best team left on our 2016 schedule. In fact, they’re the only good team left on that schedule.
Speaking of good, how about Syndergaard tonight? Yeah, he’s got to work on holding runners in spring training, but he’s still a beast and we’re lucky to have him. The deGrom news made you hold your breath, but there was no structural damage. About time we got a bit of good news in the pitching department. So let him rest — Rafael Montero [13] looked pretty good the other day, didn’t he? And hey, how about Asdrubal Cabrera [14] going deep on one leg? That guy’s been amazing in the field and at the plate. What a pickup!
And let’s not forget that we got super-lucky. Yeah, we lost, and that was a bummer. But you know what? The Giants lost! The Cardinals lost! We laid an egg and didn’t lose any ground in the standings! And you know what else? The Pirates lost! And the Marlins lost! Everybody lost!
We’ve only got five games left with the Nats. Those aren’t gonna be fun, but the rest of the schedule is basically angel-food cake. I know that doesn’t guarantee anything — we’re Mets fans, we know better than that — but it’s a big help. We got beat by the Nats and it didn’t do us a lick of harm in the only race that matters. So exhale! Keep hope alive! Back at ’em tomorrow!