The New York Mets have issued the following statement [1].
The Mets sincerely regret the incident that took place with one of our beat writers following today’s game in the clubhouse.
The Mets also sincerely regret the incident that took place with one of our relievers during today’s game on the mound.
The Mets further regret the incident that continues to take place with most of our players during this season’s schedule.
The Mets totally regret that we’ve stayed under .500, been stuck in fourth place and generally reverted to an all-too-familiar form after an offseason of desperately trying to deliver the impression that we knew what we were doing [2].
The Mets regret that we don’t seem to know what we’re doing.
The Mets…well, this might be easier if we express what we, the Mets, don’t regret.
We don’t regret Pete Alonso [3] hitting his 27th home run, thereby setting our franchise rookie record [4] in our 78th game. We’d be making a bigger deal of this milestone — he surpassed Darryl Strawberry, for goodness sake — but we’ve had some incidents.
We don’t regret Jacob deGrom [5] pitching six solid innings against the Cubs and putting us in line for a road series win for the first time since earliest April.
We regret that you’ve already probably forgotten we won two games in a row, including a really nice win on Saturday [6].
We don’t regret making sure we’d have Jacob deGrom for the next several years, though we wonder if deep down he regrets deciding to be with us that long.
We don’t regret the ongoing success produced by Jeff McNeil [7], even though you think we might have some regrets concerning McNeil considering we didn’t start him and his extraordinary hot streak on Sunday.
We don’t regret Seth Lugo [8] being the antithesis of our Mets bullpen despite being a part of it. We don’t know where we’d be in the late innings without Seth. Seriously, we don’t know. Wasn’t that obvious Sunday when Seth was having a tough go of it and Mickey Callaway stayed with him to the club’s overall detriment because Mickey’s options, like his imagination, is limited?
We regret the rest of our bullpen, if we can be said to have one.
We regret much of the rest of our team.
We regret Mickey Callaway.
We regret Mickey Callaway’s limited aptitude for managing, Mickey Callaway’s tortured explanations of his managing and, this is a new one, Mickey Callaway cursing out a reporter after we lost Sunday’s game [9] at Wrigley Field, 5-3.
We regret that Mickey took the anodyne words spoken by Tim Healey of Newsday — “see you tomorrow, Mickey” — and interpreted them as some sort of insult.
We regret that Mickey’s response [10] to “see you tomorrow” was not “yeah, see ya, Tim,” but rather “don’t be a smartass, motherfucker.”
We regret that “see you tomorrow” would trigger Mickey, though we sort of understand it given that Mickey’s status as manager is day-to-day and therefore might not include a tomorrow.
We regret that Jason Vargas [11] proceeded to stare down Tim Healey and threatened to “knock you the fuck out, bro.”
We regret that Jason Vargas wouldn’t be kinder to someone he considers a bro.
We regret that Jason Vargas had to be restrained by teammates.
We had only recently begun to cease regretting having signed Jason Vargas.
We haven’t yet begun to cease regretting a number of other players.
We haven’t yet begun to cease regretting the manager.
We haven’t yet begun to cease regretting the general manager.
We haven’t yet begun to cease regretting ourselves, really.
We even kind of regret our fans, as you can infer [12] if you follow @mets during games.
We sometimes have to be restrained from stating our regrets.
Where were we?
Oh yeah, regretful. So very regretful.
We regret we have to issue statements apologizing to reporters for verbally and possibly physically attacking them — and apologizing in general to everybody that this is how we allow our frustrations to manifest themselves — but that, like fourth place, is where we are. So here’s the rest of our statement:
We do not condone this type of behavior from any employee. The organization has reached out and apologized to this reporter and will have further discussions internally with all involved parties.
There. Ya happy?
Too bad. Neither are we.