The following is a paid commercial advertisement for Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello.
Hello. Are you facing the winter blahs? Do you need something to brighten your cold and gray outlook? Are you worried that everybody around you is getting great stuff while you’re sitting around with the same old same old?
Then call us. We’re Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello.
That’s Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello.
Who are we?
C’mon — we know you’ve heard of us separately.
We’ve won awards.
We’ve been All-Stars.
We’ve gone to postseasons.
We’ve been champions.
Now we’ve brought our talents together to offer incremental improvements to your winter upgrade needs throughout the Metropolitan Area.
Who are we again?
We’re Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello, made up of experienced specialists licensed to deliver potential pitching and playing solutions directly to you and your family.
Look, you can upgrade like your neighbors do, throwing a lot of money at your problems and maybe turning them into strengths, or you can call us, save a bundle and take a chance that things will improve marginally.
Need a batter struck out? We can do that sometimes.
Need a ball caught? We can definitely do that.
Need a fifth start or a sixth inning pitched? We are available to do that.
Need us to make a BIG difference? We make no guarantees.
But you can count on us at Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello to be around and give it a try.
Don’t take our word for it. Listen to these unsolicited endorsements we asked people for.
Hi. I’m Carlos Beltran, first-time manager. I wasn’t here last year, but I know these guys. Some of them were pretty good when I was a player which wasn’t that long ago. So you should take the sign and maybe call these guys if you need help. I probably will. Sorry, I can’t comment on anything else.
Hi. I’m Brodie Van Wagenen, telegenic general manager, and I’ve trusted Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello for the bulk of my winter upgrade needs since 2019. They fit within the budget of a professional like me who can’t always be the kind of Wheeler-dealer I’d like to be, yet they afford me the opportunity to bring in my own people, which I hope nobody else plans to do when the company I work for changes hands, though I really can’t comment on that at this time.
Yes, this is Steve Cohen. How did you get this number?
Admit it. We’re familiar to you. And you’re gonna get to know us even more.
Maybe not today.
Maybe not tomorrow.
Maybe not until February.
But you’re gonna see what we can do and you’re gonna say, “Wow, we’ve got Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello. Huh.”
That’s Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello. We may very well be better than nothing.
Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello is a subsidiary of Sterling Mets LP and makes no enforceable claim that it will be any better than nothing or whatever it’s intended to be replacing.
I will continue to dream of a time where we can say on Opening Day “we will be very good, unless many things go wrong”, instead of the perpetual fluctuation between “we’re gonna be bad” and “we have a chance to be good, if everything goes right”. :I
Cellino & Barnes?
Jacoby & Myers?
More like Dewey, Cheatham and Howe (and I don’t mean the man who lights up a room!)
Nats: We’re the World Series champs, and we’re bringing back the Series MVP to spend the rest of his career in our uniform.
Phils: We took Zach Wheeler off the hands of the team in our division who decided he wasn’t even worth talking to, and we added Didi Gregorius.
Braves: We signed 100 free agents. We might sign more.
Mets: We weakened our rotation, added Lugo and Gsellman to the bullpen and traded for an OF’er who might as well be Juan Lagares.
Eh. Still better than the Marlins.
The Marlins still exist, right?
“and traded for an OF’er who might as well be Juan Lagares.”
And overpaid for him, to boot.
Great article. It will all come down to the bullpen! The Phillies have ex. Mets, ex. Yankees and ex. Nats. And they’ll still miss the playoffs.
But…but…what about the relief pitchers? Because that’s what really did the Mets in last season, ya know. GET MORE RELIEF PITCHERS! A WHOLE CRAPLOAD OF THEM! AS MANY AS WILL FIT IN TRAINING CAMP!
Prediction: either Wacha or Porcello will win as many games as Wheeler for the Phils. In other words, about 12. Wheeler will have his usual dud first half, then miss several weeks in 2nd half with bad arm. Plus Phils will be stuck with him for 4 more years while Mets in 2021 can dump Wacha and Porcello and sign two more stiffs, one of whom will work out okay.
“There’s just one place to go for all your spatula needs; Spatula City! Spatula City!” Sorry. Couldn’t help but to think of Weird Al’s UHF commercial when I read this. Better Call Saul came to mind too. Thanks for a humorous, awesome summation of how it feels to be a fan of an “on the cheap” club that shares a division (and city, ugghh!) with spendthrifts. But hey, at least the Mets get a reduced negative return on their Cespedes investment, so that’s another winter win, right?!?
So last year, the Mets needed to upgrade their outfield, so they went out and got as many infielders as they could. This year they need help in the bullpen, so naturally they went out and got a couple of mediocre-at-best starters. And it’s not even something we can blame on the Wilponzis’ traditional stinginess, as they way overpaid for what they were getting (Porcello had the highest ERA of any regular starter in the majors). I’ve given up trying to understand Brodie.
Much to see, nothing to understand there. He’s the MLB GM equivalent of a deranged homeless person wearing a loose robe and a tinfoil hat while incoherently rabbling and intermittently yelling at pigeons in the park.
Wheeler-dealer……
Price-less.
“That’s Marisnick, Wacha, Brach & Porcello. We may very well be better than nothing.” – Well, yes. But so would be Bert Blyleven. Not talking about 34-year-old Bert Blyleven, who led the AL in strikeouts. I am talking about the 68-year-old Bert Blyleven.
Daniel – Are you saying Bert Blyleven is available? What are we waiting for?????
I guess as a move it would make too much sense to come to fruition with the current General Mismanagement.