“Could you describe the assailant, please?”
“I don’t know. He was a Marlin.”
“A Marlin? Like the fish?”
“No, the baseball team.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not following.”
“Marlins. Miami Marlins.”
“I’m not familiar with them.”
“Scroll down the National League East standings.”
“Hmm…oh, there. You’re right. Marlins. Sorry, I never heard of them.”
“Most people haven’t.”
“OK, so the assailant was a Marlin?”
“I already said that.”
“I need you to be more specific. There seem to be 26 Marlins. Was it this Marlin?”
“No, that’s Miguel Rojas.”
“This one?”
“No, that’s Jazz Chisolm.”
“Cool name. Well, what about this one?”
“Sandy Alcantra? He helped, but he’s not the one who did the real damage.”
“Wait, we just got this sketch into the station house. Is this who came after you?”
“That’s him! That’s…I can’t remember his name. I’d never heard it before today.”
“It looks like Jar Jar something.”
“Jerar?”
“Jerar…Encarnacion?”
“Yes! That’s it! You should arrest him before he does any more damage!”
“Sir, we’re just here to collect information. Can you please describe what this Jerar Encarnacion allegedly did on Sunday?”
“First off, he was armed and extremely dangerous.”
“We’ll make that determination.”
“I’m telling you, he had a rifle.”
“In this country, that’s not always a crime.”
“He had a rifle for an arm.”
“Well, you know how strong the NRA is when it comes to lobbying.”
“There was a ball in the right field corner, a sure double, yet the next thing you now, this Jerar Encarnacion threw it to second base. Cut down Nido in his prime.”
“It’s always the backup catchers who take it the shinguards. What a shame.”
“I thought it was just one of those things, you know, kids messing around. This time of year, you hear firecrackers going off. But I’m telling you, it was an absolute cannon he fired.”
“All right, so he threw Tomás Nido [1] out trying to stretch a single into a double. That’s not exactly a crime. No offense, but catchers aren’t known for their speed.”
“I wouldn’t be here if it was just that. It’s what he did a few innings later.”
“The incident in the seventh?”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
“As calmly as you can, tell me what happened.”
“We’re enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands, Chris Bassitt [2] is going along swimmingly.”
“Bassitt — like a Marlin?”
“I said Bassitt, not Bass.”
“Sorry, I don’t follow baseball all that much.”
“So we’re sitting there, and it’s Bassitt having a great game, as good as Alcantra…”
“The aider and abetter of this Jerar character?”
“Yeah. Chris is rolling. Then he gets into a little trouble. A single. Another single. Then a walk. Ya gotta understand, Bassitt doesn’t normally walk guys.”
“Oh those bases on balls. We try to warn the public walks are a gateway drug to runs, but do they listen?”
“Next thing we know, it’s goodbye Bassitt, hello Lugo.”
“Lugo — name rings a bell.”
“Sure. Seth Lugo [3]. Dependable relief pitcher most games. But here comes this Jerar Encarnacion, and all at once, it’s the end of Seth Lugo.”
“It’s always the reliever who gets it in the late innings.”
“Ya gotta understand. Seth has his bad days, sure, but he’s a good pitcher. This wouldn’t have happened if not for…”
“If not for…?”
“Jerar Encarnacion.”
“That’s a pretty substantial charge.”
“Jerar Encarnacion opened a can of whoopass on Seth Lugo.”
“Did he open it with the arm that’s a rifle?”
“Maybe it was more like a whuppin’ stick. He used it to…”
“To what?”
“He used it to…”
“I can’t help you unless you tell me.”
“Jerar Encarnacion hit a grand slam off Seth Lugo.”
“Oh, dear god.”
“It was brutal.”
“I imagine so.”
“The worst part is none of us saw this coming. We didn’t know who Jerar Encarnacion was when the game began. It just didn’t make any sense. It was like those dark gray and blue caps [4] they made both teams wear.”
“Sir, that’s more a matter for the fashion police.”
“I’m not talking about the caps! I’m talking about a Met-killer! Jerar Encarnacion is out there committing one horrible act after another! It wasn’t enough that he gunned down Tomás Nido or absolutely murdered a Seth Lugo sinker. He even had the audacity after all that to steal a base.”
“So you wish to add robbery to the charges?”
“In broad daylight, no less!”
“Listen, I’ve got the name, I’ve got your description, I understand your concern.”
“Well, is there anything you can do about it? It’s a terrible feeling knowing Jerar Encarnacion is just out there and can do something like this to the Mets with absolutely no notice and he could be out there again tomorrow afternoon.”
“Tomorrow?”
“There’s a matinee. The Marlins and the Mets. The Marlins are bad enough. But now they have another Met-killer to go with De La Cruz and Berti and god knows who.”
“Hold up — there’s another game tomorrow?”
“There’s always another game tomorrow.”
“And you’re concerned the Mets are in mortal danger?”
“Actually, they’re in first place by a bunch of games despite losing on Sunday [5] and they’re way ahead of the Marlins, who are almost never any good.”
“Then what are you worried about?”
“You really don’t follow baseball, do you?”