OK, lemme see if I got all this. You want the pair of Slugger Milestones — the 100th RBI and the 30th homer, wrap them separately. Yeah, those’ll stay cold. They’re Polar.
You want the Speedy Duo with the Double Steal, the back half being the steal of home. You got it. We keep that on the back of the menu year after year and hardly anybody ever orders it. I don’t know why. Everybody who tries it loves it.
You want the Epic At-Bat resulting in an additional run…yeah, we make that with Squirrel and it brings home even the slowest runner from second.
You want the Further Rookie Heroics with a pair of ribbies. That normally comes with just one ribbie unless it’s a home run, but if you order the Prescient Insertion of a Pinch-Runner, I’ll throw in the other, no charge.
You want a Classic Bulldog Outing, the six-inning kind. You know that has jams spread all over it. Just scrape them off. You might taste a run or two, but the whole thing honestly goes down very easy.
The Classic Bulldog Outing comes with a side of Three Relievers. How are the Three Relievers tonight? I’ll be honest, they can be a little unpredictable, but we’ll do our best. Keep a Pepcid handy if you’re the nervous stomach type.
Want the relievers with Sugar? No Sugar tonight, you’re trying not to do overdo it with the Sugar every night. Sure, long season. Big weekend ahead. Uh-huh.
Anything else? A “taste of redemption”? What kind of redemption? For what happened in Atlanta…and for the Whole Keith Kerfuffle. Listen, you order all this, you’re gonna feel extremely redeemed not to mention extremely full, and Keith’s gonna look like a genius. Right, he always does.
OK, it’s 7:05 now, I can have all this to you to by…busy Friday night, it won’t all be ready until about 10:30. Can you wait that long? Trust me, it’ll be worth it.
Great, I’ll have it all for you at the end of the game. What? Of course we include paper plates, plastic forks and napkins. You think just because this is Philadelphia we just hand you a dripping, hot cheesesteak and expect you to wipe your hands on your jersey? Never mind what you’ve been led to believe, we have civilization down here. See you at 10:30. Maybe leave by ten. Postgame concert and all. Yeah, bye.
Yo! We got a big order to put together. Some joker from New York picking up. Just for laughs, stick a packet of Five Naquin Strikeouts under the ketchup. See if he even notices.
I first learned of the Platinum Sombrero when I read Keith’s 1986 book -If At First. 35 years later I now know that 6 strikeouts is a Horn and has been accomplished by very few, not one of them a Met. I’ll admit to rooting against Naquin just a little in his 6th at bat last night, but I felt awful about it.
I saw Frank Taveras strike out five times in one game. Can’t say I was rooting for it.
I loved Dave Kingman, and I love to hear or see his name in any capacity.
So as soon as they said that only a few Mets struck out 5 times in a game, I said out loud, Dave Kingman!, and sure enough, there it was!
Just adds to the legend…
I’m suddenly craving a cheesesteak after reading this.