[1]MISSING: Sole proprietorship of first place in the National League East.
AGE: Approximately 5 months.
ANSWERS TO: Let’s Go Mets, LFGM or “Not Again”.
LAST SEEN: Leaving PNC Park following a third consecutive barely competitive loss to a last-place team [2].
RECOGNIZABLE MARKINGS: World-class starting pitching, unrelenting middle-of-the-order production, indestructible right fielder [3], preternatural ability to quash lesser opponents.
***PLEASE LOOK HARD FOR THESE DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS — THEY MAY BE HARD TO DETECT IN THE HARSH GLARE OF SEPTEMBER.***
ALLERGIES: Driving in runs, keeping games close late, out-of-town scoreboard updates involving ATL [4].
REWARD: Division championship, Wild Card round bye, collective sense of self-esteem.
PLEASE CONTACT: Bat to ball in useful manner.