Niese On Ultimate

Many of you will probably tire of seeing it before long, but for those of you not in the New York market, we’ve obtained the script for the “Niese On Nissan” commercial that will be airing incessantly during Mets games for the next several months. The ad was shot late Saturday night outside Citizens Bank Park after the Mets’ 3-2 win over Philadelphia.

[METS MANAGER TERRY COLLINS AND METS BENCH COACH BOB GEREN STAND BY THE ENTRANCE TO THE TEAM BUS, EACH WITH A CLIPBOARD.]

COLLINS: All right, Bob, now that the game is over and we’ve won, we have to make sure everybody’s on the bus.

GEREN: You’ve got it, Terry.

COLLINS: Lagares!

GEREN: Juan had to run a long way, but Lagares…on the bus.

COLLINS: Carlyle!

GEREN: Buddy was just having a catch with some kid, but Carlyle…on the bus.

COLLINS: Monell!

GEREN: Johnny was wondering when you’d call for him. Monell…on the bus.

COLLINS: Gee!

GEREN: Uh, Terry…

COLLINS: Oh, right. Syndergaard!

GEREN: Wow, if Noah throws as fast as he just raced to get here, he’ll be doing all right. Syndergaard…on the bus.

COLLINS: Tejada!

GEREN: Tejada?

COLLINS: Where the stinkin’ heck is Tejada?

TEJADA: I’m comin’, skip, I’m comin’.

COLLINS: Ruben, I thought we talked about you bein’ stinkin’ late even when you’re on time.

TEJADA: No, skip. I’m just bringin’ my double play partner along.

COLLINS: What the…?

GEREN: Ruben’s right, Terry. Tejada looks much better when he’s paired up with Herrera.

COLLINS: I don’t give a stinkin’ darn how they get on the bus as long as they’re on the bus.

GEREN: Tejada, Herrera — and Duda…on the bus.

COLLINS: Niese!

GEREN: Jon?

COLLINS: Niese!

GEREN: Jon!

COLLINS: NIESE!!!

GEREN: Gosh, Terry, I don’t see Jon anywhere.

COLLINS: That’s stinkin’ ridiculous! Everybody gets on the stinkin’ team bus after the game! Everybody but Harvey, but he’s Harvey. Niese ain’t Harvey. The team bus is sittin’ right here and I want NIESE ON!

[METS PITCHER JON NIESE DRIVES UP TO WHERE COLLINS AND GEREN ARE STANDING.]

NIESE: Did somebody say NIESE ON? Or did they say NISSAN?

COLLINS: Niese! What’s the big idea?

NIESE: The big idea, skip, is you’re not gonna have NIESE ON the bus anymore, because I’ve got the brand new for 2015 NISSAN ALTIMA. Or should I say NIESE ON ALTIMA?

COLLINS: What? Who said Niese is the ultimate?

NIESE: Well, skip, now that you mention it, when you’ve got a pitcher who can give you seven solid innings and get the leadoff hit that starts the winning rally, you may have the ultimate.

COLLINS: Don’t get carried away, hot shot. It was the Phillies you were holdin’ to one run and I didn’t pinch-hit for you because, if you haven’t noticed, I don’t carry any bench players.

NIESE: Relax, skip. Feel the smooth ride, like the one I’ve been giving you almost every fifth day. And there’s plenty of trunk space for me to carry most anything, including our tepid offense.

COLLINS: I’d like to see how it responds when you hit bumps in the road the way you usually do.

NIESE: Nah, not me, skip. I’m totally relaxed behind the wheel of the Nissan Altima, which is built to take on the toughest city traffic.

COLLINS: Even when we’re goin’ to Washington? Because that’s usually a bad trip.

NIESE: Skip, with fluid, powerful acceleration, refined handling, and an incredibly efficient fuel economy, there’s nothing the Nissan Altima can’t do.

COLLINS: Sounds like you’re describin’ your pitchin’ tonight.

NIESE: Thanks skip!

GEREN: Hey, lovebirds, everybody else is on the bus. What about you two?

COLLINS: You take the team, Bob. I’m hitchin’ a ride with Jon here. Because when we’ve got NIESE ON, we’re goin’ stinkin’ places!

NIESE: Listen skip, I do think you take me out too early too often.

COLLINS: That reminds me — where’s the hands-free phone in this thing? I’m callin’ the bullpen to get Torres up as a relief driver.

NIESE: Torres? Again?

COLLINS: Calm down, cowboy. I didn’t say which one.

NIESE: It’s Carlos, isn’t it?

COLLINS [TO CAMERA]: This guy.

NIESE [TO CAMERA]: This car!

COLLINS & NIESE [TOGETHER TO CAMERA]: What a ride!